Wednesday, March 4, 2015

An ernest appeal to the people of my country on the matter of Google

I’ll get right to it:
Dear countrymen and women, please create some online content about our country. No, not those Facebook posts addressed to your haters. Not the twitter wars. Not those inspirational blog posts about how you were walking down the street the other day, realized the sun was shining and felt really blessed to be alive. Mutuleeke naamwe. Create actual informative content about things that are Ugandan. For example, tell us how the food called chaps is made.  Or katogo for that matter. 

You see, last night; I showed my daughter how to use Google as a substitute mummy for all her whys & hows. The first search she typed in was; ‘how to make chaps.’ Guess what? Google doesn’t know chaps. Google thinks chaps are some kind of online payment system. That, it very well might be, somewhere in the world but not in Uganda. You and I know that chaps, the real chaps, is food. It is a particularly uninspired piece of cuisine that manages to be unhealthy, flat tasting and ugly, but our food. Our very own innovation. One of our very many unique contributions to world cuisine. Why doesn’t Google know about it? Because, instead of running a Ugandan recipes’ blog, you are there telling us of how blessed you felt when you saw the sun shine yesterday. Okay, now that the sun is shining again today, here is some new material: write a post on how to make malakwang from start to finish.

Internet political pundits, stop. To be honest, our politics is so base that opining about it with such fervor and high-brow intellectualism just makes us go like, “oh poor Jim; entirely out of touch with reality like that?” Write something that will put your political knowledge to actual use. Write a properly detailed Wikipedia page for that one political party that you feel oba tries ko to be serious?. There is none? Okay, write a page on each of your most despised local politicians. Now that will give you occupation for the next two years, won’t it?

I will now lead by example but not by doing. Here is a list of example topics that will put more Ugandan knowledge on Google’s radar.

Writing Assignment
Assigned Writers
The 7 different ways of drying freshly washed socks on a school morning
Every Ugandan who ever had to stand for inspection on primary school morning assembly
How to light a sigiri in under an hour; the no paraffin trick
Everybody who isn’t me
When the maid leaves suddenly. 3 hacks (with contact information) for turning this everyday misfortune around
Every working mum
Wikipedia pages for local politicians and Tamale Mirundi
Come on Ugandan politicians, even you can do this yourself. Start a stub and the political pundits can take it from there.  
Updating the wikipedia page on King’s College Budo to include among the notable alumni; Drake Sekeeba, of the Vvumbula fame
Actually, I will do this myself   
Know your Kadongo Kamu singers; where is Abdu Mulaasi and Lord Fred Ssebata now?
Ummm, aaaah… what do we know of Katongole Omutongole’s writing skills? TBD
Uganda’s Real Estate Bubble that won’t f**king burst: From Kasuulu’s Property Masters to Jomayi.
Somebody on the Buganda Land Board?

So, now that I have your writing juices following, please go create some Ugandan content. Seriously, it is a shame that there is so little actual knowledge about us on these internets.